Love, actually

I was once asked by a guy on Tinder “What is the one thing you would most like to be asked?” This was in reference to someone you were dating or interested in. Still in our infancy messaging stage, it was refreshing to have posed what eventually became a few meaningful questions. It was also quite confounding, as it was so out of the ordinary of what the typical guy on Tinder writes.

As much as I often talk about finding Mr. Right, and how fit, superfuckable hot, and likely young he needs to be, I rarely mention the desire for a real connection of love. I mean, if I did that, it would make me really vulnerable, right?! So I joke, and hopefully make everyone laugh, but that’s a bit of a “play it safe” façade. This blog is called Are you my Mr. Right? because what I’m looking for most of all, is my match in love.

I’m also scared shitless to find it. I’m scared to be hurt. I’m scared of failing in a relationship. It has been so long since I’ve dated someone seriously, I worry I’ve forgotten how to do it. It’s been even longer though, since I’ve felt love, actually.

Speaking of love- when I’m not working, going on dates, or seeing friends, I often have evenings in watching movies. Even more so now, with the world in lockdown. Oh, and not just any movies, but the Hallmark ones. Hmm, not quite the Netflix and chill you imagined I’d say, was it? Yes, I admit it- I am a sucker for those cheesy romantic ones where it’s destiny that they meet, end up falling in love, and everyone lives happily ever after! It’s always such a fairytale.

Oh, don’t worry, I’m almost as confused as you are as to why I like these movies, especially when I adamantly don’t believe in fairytales anymore, and I’m so not into romance. Or so I thought- because shunning romance definitely makes me less vulnerable, doesn’t it?

Admittedly, most of the movies are quite crap but, every once in a while Hallmark gets it right, like really right. It’s while watching these ones that I’m reminded of the love that I’ve been lucky enough to have felt twice before. In those moments, it feels like my heart is yearning so much, it’s going to burst. And god damn it, sometimes those stupid fucking romantic movies even make me shed a tear or two. Ughh! As it turns out, those Hollywood, sorry I mean Hallmark movies make me feel.

I am the self-professed “Dating Queen of Siem Reap” and have been known to go on as many as three dates a week, and there’s even been a few times when I have had two dates with two different guys in the same day! Don’t start doing crazy calculations now, it probably only works out to four dates a month.

I go on lots of dates as I want every possible chance to find that one amazing connection. You know the one I’m talking about. – There’s this intoxicating feeling, you cannot stop smiling and laughing, maybe you want to reach out and touch them. There is a spark, an aura around you two, and the energy between you is almost combustible! It’s that one in a million! Of course, realistically, most of the dates I go on do not even have an ounce of connection or chemistry. What are the odds that the next guy might be more?

Living in Siem Reap, a town full of tourists (or not so full most of the year- and close to zero now with the pandemic), the guys are generally here for a good time, not a long time. They rarely want to meet a second time, even if they are here another night or two. To them, if I let them, I’m nothing more than a holiday fuck. Or if I’m lucky, a holiday fling. It tends to get old after a while.

But, here’s the thing- the thought of never finding my Mr. Right actually scares me a hell of a lot more than falling in love again. This is why, every time I have an opportunity to go on a date, I take it.

Which leads me back to the question about the one thing I most want to be asked. Not just by any guy or Tinder match though. It would lose its value if it was. It needs to be asked by the right guy, that one in a million you’ve had an intense, heady connection with. The one that makes all those average dates until now seem worthwhile- as they have led to this one. The one that ticks so many of your Mr. Right boxes. The one that you hope so much might be who you’ve been looking for. The one who makes it okay for you to feel vulnerable and scared.

The one who will realize that I am so much more special than trying to make it into a one night stand, and that I am worth seeing again. The one, who at the end of a date, will ask me what I most desire to hear. As it happens because he also wants love, actually. And that’s when I’ll hear him say “When can I see you again?” —

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If you enjoyed this post and are a new reader, check out some of my previous posts below. Look out for my upcoming post The One That Isn’t the One. You can follow me here, or at https://www.facebook.com/jossdatingblog/.