All right guys! Guys as in men! Isolation is almost over everywhere around the world, dating is getting back into full swing again. It’s the perfect time to spruce up and sort out your profiles on Tinder, or Bumble, or whatever app you use to date, — or get laid on. Let’s be honest, because what guy nowadays actually uses Tinder looking for a sincere date/relationship? Anyways, regardless what dating app you single guys are on, for whatever reason, the following info is for you!
In my opinion, I would say at least 50% of men’s profiles on Tinder are ridiculous, and by ridiculous, I do not mean funny. I don’t get it- and I’m not the only one. My gf’s who are on these apps now, or who have been on in the past, agree with me. None of us can understand why there are so many profiles that are so bad, specifically photo-wise. Okay, yes, sometimes my gf’s and I laugh at them- but not in a way that means we are ever going to match you. There have been many a night over drinks when we were highly entertained by, let’s just call it the “fuckwittery” of these profiles. We might be laughing, but it is never going to get you a date. If you’re looking to get lucky, well there’s even less chance of that happening.
Don’t worry, I’m here to help! I’ve taken it upon myself to complile a list of 10 things many of my gf’s and I do not find attractive in a profile. Please stop doing them! Here they are in no particular order:
- Cars! We don’t want to see any pictures of only your car! Oh, and definitely not more than one photo of it! This really goes for anything actually. Not 7 pictures of only your cat, not 5 pictures of only your garden. You, you should be in the photos!
- One photo! -Even worse, it’s a horrendous bathroom mirror selfie! You have friends- please get them to take one of you next time you see them!- Hey, it’s a bit of a concept but, you could even get a picture with a friend… Ask your family. Ask a stranger! I don’t care who, it doesn’t have to be professional! Do I need to send out an SOS for you? “Help! Can someone please take a fucking picture of this guy?” Ughh!
- Pictures that do not look like you at all! I’m not talking about cat-fishing either. What I mean is, do not use photos from 5 or 10 years ago when you had hair and a six-pack- when clearly you are now 20 kgs heavier with a beer belly and also bald!
- Food! This is not Instagram! We don’t give a shit that you had sushi at some point in your life! If you like it so much, write it in your bio. Please, do not put a ratio of 75% food pictures to 25% of you! If you must show photos of food, then please, at least be in them!
- Gym pics! Really? Even if you’re fit as fuck, stop taking fucking photos at the gym of yourself. You’re there to workout- go do that!
- Every photo is a group photo! Look at you sharing pictures of you and all your friends. Fantastic that you have friends- gold star for you! However, if we can’t obviously see who you are in those 8 group photos you put up, we are not going to want to match with you! In the time it took to figure out who you were, we’ve already lined up a date with someone else. Bye-bye!
- Snapchat filter/photoshop! Leave the snapchat filter of cute bunny-rabbit-sparkly-faces to the girls. Unless your niece is in the photo with you- don’t do it! Yes, there’s a double standard here- get over it! Oh, and I don’t know what app it is, but on a few occasions a guy has shrunk his head, or put a sticker on his face of one of his photos. Seriously, what the fuck?! Why? Just don’t!
- A blurry, pixelated photo of your face! -And that’s the only picture with you/your face in it! — I’m going to need a drink soon!
- Travel photos or landscape pictures with no actual person in them! Hey, travel photos are cool, but again, this is not fucking Instagram. *Hot tip: You can connect them in your bio if you’re that excited to show off those travel pics. — Or happen to be slightly arrogant and think you’re a shit-hot photographer taking pics with your iPhone 11.
- Dick- pics!- Okay, we know you can’t get away with putting one on Tinder or Bumble, so when you connect with a girl off the app- for the love of god, please do not send her an unsolicited dick pic! I repeat, do not! Not cool= unmatch!
Now here are 10 suggestions of things girls would actually like or enjoy seeing on your profile. You never know, these things might help you score a date with that girl who has the great rack or ass- and who knows what can happen from there… Again, in no particular order:
- A photo with you and friends/family/colleagues.
- A picture with you and an animal. Cats, dogs, rabbits, feeding llamas? Domestic or farm, it doesn’t matter. However, unless you’re a mahout, you probably shouldn’t be close enough to get a photo of you and that elephant. Really, if it’s a wild animal, why/how are you even near it?- Unless it’s dead?! If that’s the case, then you just went on the Blacklist mate!
- Doing an activity that you like, such as a hobby, travel, or sport.
- You have more than 1 or 2 photos.
- Your photos look like you look now.
- Writing something in the bio space. — When you do this, it also needs to say something other than “I don’t know what to say” or “If you want to know more, just ask.” Please, please show you have a personality in that head of yours.
- If you match with a girl, and she has a bio, please fucking read it before you ask her “Where are you from?” when it states it in her bio. Don’t be so fucking lazy- that’s not attractive.
- At least one decent photo with no sunnies on. I get it, I hate my picture taken too, so I often hide behind sunnies, but seriously, eyes! Girls want to see your eyes.
- Now this is subjective, but in my personal opinion, if you are super fuckable hot with a six-pack, then I am all for a photo of you showing that off! At the beach, in a pool, riding a horse! Bonus points for riding a horse if you look like that! — Just had a flashback of Mr. Austria who did that. My gf’s and I drooled over that profile photo for weeks to come — I may have had a few more reasons to as well…
- Be yourself. Smile. Be genuine. Girl’s like that!
There you have it men! A short list of 10 things to do and 10 things not to do to up your dating game on your profile. It’s not complicated. So much so, the majority of us girls manage to do most of them. Listen- I get it might seem a bit overwhelming at first. I promise though, I’m just trying to help you guys out here, and I hope to see some of you take this feedback on board. As much as I, and many girls around the world may have been entertained, we look forward to seeing some updated profiles where a bit more effort has been put in. In the meantime, maybe I should start a Tinder Profiles -101- For Men consultancy class? Good luck guys! Remember, it won’t hurt to try. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?- You might get lucky?…
If you enjoyed this post, then follow me here, or on https://www.facebook.com/jossdatingblog/ for new posts. You can also check out some of my previous writing below, such as Once upon a time in Singapore…, Sex (less) in the City, Lock up your sons! -There’s a Cougar on the Loose!, Are you my Mr. Right?, and Love, actually.
Are You My Mr. Right? 